By Steven Griggs

 Principles and Strategies For Teenagers-Part II
I've been a child psychologist for 26 years. This is Part II
of a series of articles. Please read the previous article before
this one...
Here's a concrete example from my own experience as a father.
When my son was about six, I was watering the roses in the
ront yard. My son came up to me and asked, "Dad, tell me about
the birds and the bees." I thought, "Already? You're only six."
Fortunately, I had my wits about me and asked what he meant.
My son said, "Well, I see birds fly and I see bees fly but they don't
look the same." I breathed a sigh of relief and we had a
conversation about aerodynamics at the six-year-old level. Imagine
what would have happened if I had not asked, but instead launched
into a discussion about that other birds and bees subject with my
six year old. In general, if you talk over a child's head you see
that glazed-over look in their eyes. On the other hand, if you
don't supply enough information or if the information you supply
is too little or primitive for your child, you get follow-up questions.
The process tends to self-correct, but you can make the communication
ork better at any point by asking clarifying questions, and then
delivering information at just the right level, using examples that
are developmentally appropriate. This same process works with
teenagers, only the content is different.
To continue the above theme, by the time they are thirteen,
teenagers have had "sex ed" classes at school, but probably won't
want to talk to you, the parent, because of embarrassment, or perhaps
they feel they already know it all. Teens might want information
about how to run the computer, but they probably already know more
than you, especially when it comes to "texting," or "IM'ing." They
might start quizzing you about getting a drivers license. They
might want to know more about how to study for the PSAT. If they
ask, answer, but don't be surprised if there are fewer and fewer
questions as they mature.
When my son turned thirteen, he underwent a characteristic change
of biology, and, not surprisingly, he changed in lots of other ways.
The week before his thirteenth birthday, his eyes glazed over and he
became "possessed." He had a disconcerted, yet wild look about him
that something was happening, but he didn't have a clue. He looked
distracted and just "out of sync." A week later, the light returned
to his eyes, and the next day, he turned thirteen. His hormones had
"really" cut in and his body went into overdrive. He had no idea what
was happening to him, but I did, and I knew to just comfort and support,
not to create any new issues during this time. He was out of balance
and there was nothing either of us could do about it.
The next day, my son withdrew into his room, playing more video
games with his friends. I know he was in there because I could hear
the blasts of bombs going off (he had a good stereo hooked up to the
computer). I saw TV trays and empty fast food containers on the floor
outside his door, so I think he was eating. I think he stayed in there
about two years. Neither his mom nor I saw much of our son during this
time. There wasn't much communication on a Q & A level, except for how
to set up computers. He came out of his room when he was about fifteen.
Officially, we parents had become aliens.
What kind of butterfly just emerged from the cocoon? My task was
to assess the damage, so to speak. I did this by asking lots of
clarifying questions whenever my son asked for something or discussed a
topic; similarly to what I did when he was six.
-Dr. Griggs
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