Communication is a common theme in counseling and clients often ask the same questions about communication such as:

1. Why won't he/she listen to me?
2.  Why do I always get yelled at?
3. If he/she doesn't say anything, can our problem be fixed?
4. I feel like he/she doesn't understand.  How can I be heard?
5. Why won't my kids listen to me?
6. What have I done wrong?  

The basics of communication are taught at a very young age as we learn from our parents how to ask for what we want, make statements about what we are doing, and develop relational skills through communication that will be used throughout our lives.  So, why is it that many of us end up confused by unproductive communication later in life if we have been communicating for most of our existence?

The problem is that we all communicate differently.  We learned how to communicate from different parents, friends, and teachers, so no wonder we're confused about why our husbands and wives don't understand us or our children won't listen.  We also make different meaning out of what is said to one another by how it is said through various tones, paces, and volumes of speech. 

Over time, our communication with others develops a pattern and begins to repeat itself over and over until we automatically assume how communication will go without it even happening.  For example, you want to ask your teenage daughter to pick up her clothes for the millionth time and find yourself thinking, "Why does it matter?  She won't do it anyway," before you've even asked.  Or you want to share something important with your wife and stop yourself because you think, "She's just going to get mad and not understand anyway."  These things all lead to communication patterns we wish were different and may lead a couple or family to seek counseling.  

In counseling, the couple or family will work on healthier, more productive patterns of communication with one another.  The therapist will help coach the family or couple to begin a conversation differently, use new words, and examine personal feelings and thoughts around specific topics the couple or family feels produces unproductive communication.  Often, "I" statements are taught and help the couple or family claim personal feelings toward another person or topic within conversation.  For example, instead of saying, "You never help me clean up," the therapist will coach one to say, "I feel hurt when I do not have help cleaning up."  Claiming your own feelings takes blame away from others and makes them more likely to hear you and understand your request.

If you asked one of the questions listed above or complained that you don't feel heard, consider talking to a professional in your area about different, productive ways of communicating.  Many times, poor communication leads to a decrease in relationship satisfaction, and learning a few new ways to talk to someone could be incredibly beneficial for the future of your relationships.  To maximize the effectiveness of new communication patterns, it is important that families and couples attended counseling together as new patterns are developed.

Kristie L. Watts is a counselor at Lotus Group located in Fishers, IN. For more information on Indianapolis Counseling , contact Lotus Group at 317.595.5555, or visit thier website at www.lotusgroup.biz